


A Life Of Expectation

by Constantine_You_Owe_Me



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Implied Unrequited Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, More tags when I work out what they should be, Pining, hidden love, victorian au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:02:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24933463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Constantine_You_Owe_Me/pseuds/Constantine_You_Owe_Me
Summary: Thranduil is requested to leave university and return home to the English countryside due to rumours of unsavoury behaviour with other students. Expectations are thrust upon him and he must work to ensure his family name remains pristine but something or rather someone stands in his way and life is made extremely complicated.
Relationships: Elrond Peredhel/Thranduil
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a special prompt request from a friend. 
> 
> Please visit my tumblr blog for info on prompts and such that are posted here:
> 
> fromeroicawithlove :)
> 
> Thank you!

A Life Of Expectation

  
  


Thranduil was jolted awake when the landau carriage came to a stop suddenly. A horse at the front of the carriage gave a discontented whinny but quietens down almost immediately after the coachman shushes it. 

They were home, it seemed, and the weather was dreadful. The loud patter of the rain on the hood of the carriage was near deafening and Thranduil wondered how he had managed to sleep through the downpour for so long. How typical that the weather found a way to match the seriousness of his reason for returning home. 

All he could do for a moment was stare up at the stately home that loomed above him under the dark and dreary sky. The evening had already begun to set in and the meagre light Thranduil had was fast fading but he did not fail to notice the imposing figure stood at the door accompanied by one of their house staff holding a lamp up at their side. 

His father. 

Of course, he would await his arrival in such a manner. 

Fussing with the cuffs of his shirt beneath the sleeves of his jacket, Thranduil stalled for time, his eyes now firmly on his task rather than the lamp that cast an eerie shadow over his father. While Thranduil could honestly say he did not fear his father, he certainly did not wish to disappoint him. However, with the rumours flying fast at his college, this was the first time Thranduil did feel fear simply because he had seen his father’s anger before but this time it would be directed at him. 

Sullying the family name had not been a worry for his father before now because as far as he was concerned he had raised a decent and intelligent boy in Thranduil but the longer he stayed away from home the less that seemed so. 

The carriage door was yanked open and the white face of the coachman greeted Thranduil’s with a grim demeanour. Moments later he stepped aside and an umbrella was thrown open to shield Thranduil from the rain.

_This is it, Thran. There is no turning back you must face this like a man._ The dread that filled his entire being weighed him down like his bones had been replaced with lead and he stumbled inelegantly out of the carriage. 

Once his feet were on solid ground and not the slippery steps he righted himself and took the umbrella from gloved hands with a quiet thank you. The coachman merely nodded and walked away apparently unfazed by the torrential rain pouring over him. 

As he approached the house he could not discern his father’s features so cast in shadow that they were, but he remained unmoving and the only sound was the thundering rain and a small ‘Welcome home, Master Thranduil,’ from the maid holding the lamp. 

“Hurry inside now, we don’t have all night for this.” Oropher finally spoke, the anger a sharp edge gilding a tired tone. A voice rough from lack of sleep likely the countless hours spent agonising over what to do with his wayward son. 

Moving faster, Thranduil reached the steps and watched as his father turned and walked inside with the maid close behind. There was no greeting as there had been many times before and it further reminded Thranduil that the reason he was home was a black cloud that hung heavy over his and his father’s relationship. 

Would they no longer be close after this? 

As much as Thranduil had tried to deny the rumours the evidence was mounting against him with each passing day. No longer sure who he could trust in such times he knew it was time to go home and face the music. Before the door had even closed behind him someone was taking the umbrella from his hands and tugging off his coat. The action of doing these things himself was taken away from him and now there was only the moment he had dreaded since first leaving university. 

But the scolding he had expected did not come and in the low light of the lamps in the hallway, Thranduil could see just how tired his father was and guilt washed over him like a tidal wave. 

“Warm yourself up, the cook will likely still have something for you to eat. I do not want to see you tonight. Tomorrow we will discuss everything I have heard and you will try as best you can to explain yourself. Yes?” There was no room for argument and Thranduil found he really did not want to put up a fight. Food and sleep were a welcome distraction and the time he had been gifted with would allow him to get his story straight. 

His response was just to nod until Oropher raised a brow and Thranduil meekly uttered ‘Yes, sir.’ before turning away from him to hide from his father’s sight as requested. 

The walk of shame did not last long as he was accosted by his mother who threw her arms around him and kissed both of his cheeks. She was as radiant as ever even dressed in her nightclothes. 

“My baby boy you’ve come home at last!” Her sunny attitude a far cry from his father’s and he wondered if Oropher hadn’t told her as to why he had returned. It wasn’t like his father to hide things from his wife, lest she knew but did not care? 

Unlikely, but it was nice to dream.

What kind of world would it be that you could love whoever you wanted? 

“My sweet Thran, oh look at you, cold and tired. You had better be going down to the kitchens. The cook will sort you something warm, have him prepare a pot of tea and I will be with you soon.” The love which she radiated made everything seem just a little bit better to Thranduil but she had always been the same. 

Lively and full of joy. 

She and his father were a perfect match with his dry sense of humour and her vivacious personality always needing to shine through. She would laugh so gaily at his father linking her arm through his as they walked the gardens in summer. As a child, Thranduil had wanted that for himself so dearly, but as the years went by he began to realise it was never meant to be. The pretty girls of the countryside did not turn his head, their fanciful dresses and ribboned hair meant nothing to him. Often times he would find himself mute before them unable to find any sort of common ground in which a conversation could be had. 

Though this was often misconstrued and he soon found the reputation of being a quiet but romantic soul had been pushed upon him without consult. It made him irresistible to women much to his dismay. 

  
  


The first man to ever turn his head had been Lord Bard Bowman, his dark wavy hair and bright smile had bowled a young teenage Thranduil over. The first time he had ever seen him was when his father had returned from a day hunt with him. 

They were chatting brightly about nonsense Thranduil cared little for, and Oropher had introduced Bard to him proudly. Oropher had called Thranduil over and threw an arm around his shoulders bringing him closer to the horses while Bard moved forward to shake his hand. 

“Hello, young man. Your father tells me you will be heading off to university next year?” He wasn’t as old as Oropher, Thranduil had noticed that right away, there were no lines to show a more mature age on this man’s face. 

A young lord from Wales he had been told, that was the accent, he had brought his wife and their first child to the English countryside for work and it had worked out marvellously for him. He owned a fleet of merchant ships that sailed all over the world to lands that Thranduil could only dream of seeing one day. 

To Thranduil’s delight, Bard had been invited to dinner that evening with his wife and young daughter, Sigrid, who was a mere 3 years old and was fascinated with Thranduil’s hair from the moment she saw it. While she would reach out to grab the white-blond strands Thranduil busied himself with asking many questions about the other countries Bard had sent his ships to and found that the man himself had often sailed with a crew too. 

“Not so much now there is a family to come home to but when we have more time I will tell you everything you want to know about any country I’ve set foot on.” 

Thankfully, Oropher had seen the adoration as nothing more than hero worship and would urge Thranduil to visit Bard when he could. There was always a lesson to be had from someone somewhere. 

Everything about Lord Bard Bowman was impressive but Thranduil knew better than to act on any feelings he might have had. It was unfair to Bard and his family to have to deal with such shame. 

Never in his life had Thranduil seen a man love another man and for the longest time, he felt as though he might have been the only person in the world to feel that way. A solitary figure wandering through a world that he would never find a place in. 

His only distraction was studying and so he dedicated his time to books. A noble pursuit according to his father but Thranduil was relying on the boredom of the books to stifle any feelings inside him to the point he was more a shell than man. 

The memory of Bard was a special one, he was a kind and honest man, someone Thranduil hoped he could trust one day. If his world should fall apart by his own hands he had no other option but to leave his family and country behind. 

If that time should ever come about he would trust Bard would help him. 

  
  


The cook greeted him brightly when he entered the kitchen and he set down a plate of food for him along with a pot of tea. He must have known his mother would be along soon because he only offered a smile before leaving the kitchen altogether. 

He wasn’t much hungry even after the long trip home and so could only push the food around his plate with his fork until his mother appeared at the door and urged him to eat as she always did. 

His mother took a seat next to her son and poured herself tea, she was wearing a quilted housecoat embroidered with delicate pink and white flowers, a gift from his father years ago that she held dear to her even now. 

“You know why I came home, don’t you?” 

Silence. 

Thranduil watched as his mother regarded him over the rim of her teacup before nodding to show she did indeed understand why he was home midterm. Her expression wasn’t like his father’s; there was no hardness to her gaze; she felt sorrow for his situation but she did not hide her heart from him. 

“Is it true?” A simple question but Thranduil could already feel the weight of his answer and he let his gaze fall to his plate when he nodded. “I knew, I have always known.” It wasn’t the response he had expected but nor was it the response he really wanted either because how could he lie to his father’s face when he had told his mother the truth? 

“Don’t tell your father it is true, please, Thranduil. Don’t let him know, it would crush him.” Of course, this was about his father’s feelings and not his, of course! 

Dropping the fork he let it clatter onto the table as he got to his feet and he stepped away with the intent of walking out of the kitchen with nothing to say to his mother but he couldn’t. He could not hold his tongue. 

“Yes, it would crush him but I am the one that has to live this way in a world where I cannot find a piece of happiness. But, of course, it would hurt my father and all he has done for this family because his son had to ruin the perfect image everyone has of us.” Thranduil didn’t bother waiting to hear his mother’s attempts to soothe him because there was nothing she could say that would make any of this better and so he left the kitchen and slammed the door behind him. 

The solitude of his bedroom was that which he so desperately needed. No students there to interrupt him, no parents to bother him because neither really wanted to see him now and who was he to argue with that? No, it was just the sweet blessed darkness of a childhood bedroom and the gnawing feeling of fatigue that lingered at the edges of his mind. 

There was no lamps lit when he entered his room, but Thranduil had spent enough time there in his life to know the layout of the room with his eyes closed. He navigated his way past the desk and his bed to the large window facing out toward the extensive gardens and the woodland beyond it. 

The rain still lashed down over the land and the wind battered the windows shaking them in their frames at the ferocity of it. The perfect weather to mirror the mood he had fallen into. The anger washing over him blotted out any guilt or fear he had when first arriving home, the anger he needed far more and he would hold it inside himself until it solidified into something hard and impenetrable. 

From then on his anger would be his armour. 

He spent the evening sitting in solitude by his window watching as the heavens fell and he wondered that if it continued to rain would the world be washed away? Could it start again with open minds and hearts? 

Wishful thinking, the kind of thoughts he’d had as a child. The kind of thoughts his father rushed out of his head as soon as he was old enough to comprehend that all actions had consequences and that God was always watching. 

When his thoughts grew dark, Thranduil found it better to sleep than to ruminate and so with heaviness in his heart and a mind filled to the brim with unease he took himself to bed. 

Breakfast the next morning was a quiet affair. It was not usually so.

His mother was not her cheery self and his father did not even raise his gaze to him as Thranduil entered the room. 

It was easy for his disheartened demeanour to continue when his existence seemed disturbing and he was the source of village gossip. The countryside population had always been a mire of whispers and sideways glances but Thranduil had never been at the centre of it. 

“I’ve arranged for you to meet one of the local girls this evening. She’s from a good family and very beautiful.” Oropher picked up his teacup as he spoke, eyes still on the newspaper in front of him. After taking a drink from his cup he finally regarded his son with a dull expression. “It would be in your best interests to make an effort to impress her.” That was it, that was the extent of their conversation about the rumours from the university. 

Thranduil had never expected anything in-depth from his father on something that could shatter the reputation of the family name. It wasn’t as though he understood what Thranduil had done or how he felt because falling in love with men just wasn’t done. 

And if it was, Thranduil desperately wished to know where because the English countryside was no place for him and likely it never would be. 

When Thranduil did not respond to his father he was given a sharp glare before he nodded, though further defying his father by not opening his mouth not even once to eat. 

Was he not an adult now? 

To be treated this way by a man who was supposed to love and respect you regardless of who you were- it seemed that those actions came with conditions. Who knew a family was a contract? 

Would he be billed at the end of his time with them in his childhood home? 

He stayed seated at the table long after his father and mother had left him for other things, even after the table had been cleared away, though someone was kind enough to bring in a tray with fresh tea for him. 

After a long moment, Thranduil found the will to move and he poured himself tea. Picking the cup up he moved from his seat at the table and wandered to the window and watched as the gardener discussed something with his mother.

How easy the world seemed to be when you knew you could belong without scorn or the threat of hellfire consuming you after you took your last breath. Thranduil had seen and heard what was said about men that loved other men and for a brief moment, he understood what his parents were so upset about. 

In his own way his father was trying to protect him, he supposed but it seemed a harsh and unloving way to go about it. Thranduil would not forgive them for what they had said and done, he doubted he would for a long time. 

For the remainder of his day, he avoided them and purposely would leave the room should they enter any he was already occupying. They seemed to understand and did not speak to him or rather, they might have been pleased that they did not have to. 

After several failed meetings between himself and the young ladies chosen for him, Thranduil received a stern warning from his father to try harder and with that was promptly handed an invitation. 

Oropher had arranged for Thranduil to escort a young lady to a dance held at another home in the village. He was under strict instructions to impress her with his wit and charm, though it was mentioned his good looks would do most of the work for him should he be lacking in conversation. 

While most of this was said with a smile from Oropher, his son did not reciprocate and instead, he contended with the bile rising in his throat and churning nausea that threatened his constitution. 

Her name was Rose and she was beautiful. Any man with eyes could see she was someone that would turn heads wherever she went and she was of a gentle disposition, soft-spoken with a sweet smile. 

Honestly, Thranduil did appreciate her beauty, with her long brunette hair starkly contrasting her ivory skin scattered with light freckles over her nose, along with the pale pink tinge at her cheeks and blue eyes darker than the night sky. She was even sweet to talk to. Their conversation in the carriage was short yet interesting, but it did nothing for him and he knew it never would. 

They made for a beautiful pair as they entered the room where the party was held. Many heads turned as Thranduil walked in with Rose on his arm, and many exchanged money in the darker corners, mostly out of sight, when Thranduil managed an almost pained smile at his partner for the evening. 

“I know it might seem, perhaps, a tad presumptuous to do this but I would like to introduce you to my brother.” Rose tugged gently at Thranduil’s arm and led him across the room toward a man standing with his back to them, they were talking to who Thranduil assumed was their mother. 

“We’re rather close and it would mean a lot to me that you and he got on well,” So Oropher had already told Rose’s family that Thranduil would propose regardless of the length of time they had known one another? 

Well, he hadn’t exactly thought his father was that sneaky but he had definitely underestimated the old man more than he could ever imagine. What had essentially happened was that Thranduil had just met his wife for the first time, and while he was horrified at the prospect of being coerced into a marriage by his own family... he could not help but feel that this was the only way that would earn his father’s love and respect again. 

Pushing this to the back of his mind he offered a genuine smile as Rose introduced her brother Elrond to him. They shook hands and made small talk until Rose spirited him away to the dance floor for 20 minutes leaving her brother alone with their mother again. 

Eventually, Rose was near press-ganged by her friends to join them in a song by the piano and Thranduil was free to wander as he liked, and he headed straight for the door to the gardens for fresh air away from the noise of the music and laughter inside. 

He found that he was not completely alone as Rose’s brother was standing admiring a small apple tree growing by the fence that separated a stable yard from the garden. He realises he is also not alone and turns to face Thranduil with a shy smile gracing his lips. 

His hair was long and dark like his sister’s but his eyes, Thranduil could see under lamplight, were dove grey, almost lighter than his. 

“Ah, Thranduil, yes?” The small flutter in Thranduil’s stomach when Elrond spoke was entirely unnecessary and he did not appreciate it in the slightest. This was not what he needed right now even if it was just the tiniest feeling of excitement he didn’t want it! 

Elrond continued before he was given a chance to respond. 

“I know that you will propose to my sister soon even if this evening was the first time you’ve met her and I just wanted to let you know that she’s very excited to be married.” Under the glow of the lamplight, his blush seemed almost bronze and it was the most enchanting thing Thranduil had ever seen. “Rosie has always been the one for romance but she understands that sometimes in life you do not get to truly pick that which you want but… I believe she was done by quite well when matched with you.” 

There was a moment when Thranduil felt his breath catch in his throat at Elrond’s words, had he entirely misconstrued the meaning or was this man reaching out to him trying to convey something more? 

“I suppose everybody in the village knows that Rose and I have just met but I also suppose they know we are to marry soon too,” Thranduil tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear that had fallen loose from his tie and he caught sight of Elrond biting his lip nervously before looking away. 

This man was hiding something, something he wanted to say but knew it was, perhaps, too rude or improper to bring it up. Something the village would find wildly indecent to speak on lest behind closed doors! 

“If you have something you need to say do not be shy, you are soon to be my brother, are you not?” 

This seemed to help Elrond find his words but still, he did not speak and he only gestured for Thranduil to follow him further into the garden. 

Such an action would only be criticised by his father should he find out and, ideally, Thranduil should have said no to save his already tattered reputation but he did not and instead he followed his soon to be brother-in-law into the garden.

“Rosie does not know why you two are to be married so quickly, and I think it is best she never finds out and she won’t, not from my mouth anyhow!” He looked nervous as he spoke and he cast more than a few glances over his shoulder as they walked. It put Thranduil on edge and he was eager to return to the dance so as to ensure his face was seen as much as possible to keep him in his father’s good graces. 

It hit him then suddenly what Elrond had wanted to say and he grabbed the man by the wrist and pulled him to face him. Their chests bumped before Thranduil neatly took a step back to keep space between them and so as not to reveal how hard his heart thundered in his chest at their close proximity. 

“If you mean to threaten me into taking care of your sister to ensure you do not reveal my secret you are going about it exactly the wrong way.” Thranduil’s voice came out as a hiss, his anger born from the panic that rose in his chest and the words came out strangled with edges he could not soothe into something more composed. 

“No, no you misunderstand me.” Elrond pulled his wrist from Thranduil’s grip and rubbed the sore spot left behind. His expression one of dismay as if Thranduil had betrayed _his_ trust but he pressed on. “Why would I threaten to reveal your nature, it would be hypocritical of me to do so when I am hiding the exact same thing from those I hold dear to me.” 

Oh. _oh._

The world slammed into focus for Thranduil and he turned on his heel to walk away but not before whispering to Elrond that they should meet another time. A dark garden was no place for two men to be seen talking.

His words prompted Elrond into moving from his spot and he hurried past Thranduil and into the party before him hopefully ensuring no one thought anything untoward. In the meantime, Thranduil retook his spot out by the door as though he had been there the entire time and he was soon found by Rose asking him to meet her friends. 

The night soon wound down and Rose was escorted home by Thranduil and Elrond, and she talked excitedly between them in the carriage about the music and her friends. It made Thranduil feel sad that she was so full of life and so excited to be married to him when he could offer her nothing- he wondered how marriage would be with her? 

Would they ever be truly happy? 

All he could offer was friendship masked as a relationship but he had a feeling she was clever enough to see through that with ease and how would she react when she found out that he was unable to give her children?

It would break her heart, likely. 

That was no life for someone so spirited and sweet. But if he did not marry her what would become of him? 

Part of him knew it was unfair to trap the young woman and that the right thing to do would be for him to leave and never return. His family reputation be damned!- The other part of him knew there was cowardice within him and it forced itself to the forefront of his mind and clouded his heart. 

As though sensing his unease, Rose took Thranduil’s hand in hers and smiled up at him and he saw years down the line in the blink of an eye, how that sunny smile would be the first to go and how his anger and pain would be the reason for it. The beautiful flower that she was would wilt and in time she would become as miserable as he had felt for all those years. 

Frightened by the very thought of it Thranduil had to stop himself from wrenching his hand from hers in a bid not to cause a stir. Instead, he pretended to stifle a yawn and then apologise which she could only laugh at before shaking her head at him. 

He did not fail to catch Elrond watching him from the other side of Rose, he looked concerned but this time did not seem to want to bring it to his attention and for that Thranduil was grateful. 

Life seemed very uneventful after that evening for a short while. There was a wedding to plan and Thranduil was expected to keep up appearances with his betrothed, and so they spent many an afternoon out walking or visiting friends and family. While this was all rather tame it was very boring and Thranduil could not shake the feeling that it was all very disingenuous on his part. 

“I feel like an actor,” Thranduil stated one afternoon. He and Elrond were sitting in the library of Elrond’s family home, a marvellous place the first in the world to be powered by electricity and it was all done via water from the lake by the house. 

“How so?” Elrond frowned as he looked up from his book, the light coming in from the large windows around them illuminated every part of his face and Thranduil took a deep breath to steady the fire igniting in his veins. 

“I am given lines to repeat to friends and family. A fabrication of the relationship lives in everyone’s mind even with Rose. How can this be fair to her?” It was easy to feel safe and secure in such a place, how can somewhere filled with light all day and night be a place he could not trust? 

The book Elrond had been browsing was set down on the table and closed after the page was marked. An expression of concern was clear on his face as he sat back in his seat and clasped his hands together, his light eyes trained on Thranduil leaving him feeling laid bare before the other man. 

“There isn’t anything I could say to make this better.” Blunt but it was the truth no matter how you sliced it. But it wasn’t helpful and Thranduil didn’t like the way his insides squirmed at how Elrond looked at him even if it was completely innocent. 

“Can you at least try?” Thranduil joked and they both shared a smile.

“I could tell you that everything will be fine and that the world will open its eyes and see that a man loving a man isn’t a bad thing, but wouldn’t you think me cruel to lie to you like that?” 

“Is it any crueller for me to lie to your sister in the same way?” 

“Thranduil, please. Rose is happy and this keeps you safe. What else is there for you to do but accept it?” The question in his voice held a desperate edge and Thranduil knew it was because his friend was running out of things to say to him on the subject of his upcoming marriage. 

He had to stop putting him on the spot like that. 

“Are you to be married soon?” Of course, they both knew Elrond was not engaged to anyone and so far his mother had not given any signs that she wished for him to marry but the time would soon come and what would he do then? 

“No. I am unsure what I will do when she asks me to meet the daughters of her friends. Rosie mentioned once or twice that she had someone in mind for me but Thranduil like you I cannot bear the idea of such pretence. 

I hope and pray that one morning I shall wake up and I will find myself deeply in love with a woman to ease the suffering I feel each day and to save my mother some heartache.” It seemed that this too like it did Thranduil, played upon Elrond’s mind daily. They were stuck in a mire of trying to ease their pain and keep themselves safe from the prying eyes and ears of those that might wish harm upon them for the lives they truly wished to lead. 

“There is nothing wrong with us!” Thranduil was out of his seat and on his feet in seconds, he pulled Elrond from his seat and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Did that feel wrong to you? Do you hope to never experience what feels right to you again?” He staggered back when Elrond planted his hands to his chest and pushed him back but in the haze of joy and bravado he scarcely heard Elrond reprimand him. 

“How dare you? Anyone could have seen us here!” He was hugging his own middle as he spoke, trying to cover whatever shame had burrowed into the pit of his stomach that would not shift until the day was through. “If we had been seen that would have been the end for both of us? What do you think was going to happen if you did that?!” 

It was easy to feel at home in the spaces filled with light, it was easy to feel safe there and enact whatever he felt inside. His friendship with Elrond had flourished into something close and meaningful. However, Thranduil did understand that his part of the friendship was more than that, but with his bold actions, the consequences could have it come crashing down around him. 

He had to apologise but he did not feel sorry for what he had done, still, he knew he had to fix any damage the kiss had wrought upon the friendship.

“I’m sorry, I wanted to prove to you that there wasn’t anything wrong with who we were, I just went about it the wrong way.” It was enough to settle Elrond and he accepted the apology.

Letting his hands fall to his sides for a moment, Elrond remained silent, getting his thoughts in order before he opened his arms to Thranduil and beckoned him to him. They shared a long embrace and Thranduil felt his entire being relax because this was what he needed the love and acceptance of someone who understood. 

He loved Elrond he knew that much and even if it was not reciprocated it was better than nothing to him. The embrace would be in his thoughts for a long time; it would help him through moments wherein he believed he could no longer go on. 

“I did not want you to be right, Thranduil. I did not want to admit that your kiss felt right because then it confirmed that I was truly a man that loved other men. My life can never be the way it was intended for me but it does also give me power over my own life even if no one but you knows such.” That was enough for now and Elrond retook his seat and picked up his book again signalling the end of that conversation. 

The man looked frazzled beyond belief and Thrandhi felt it unfair to carry on when his friend was clearly at his ends. Their day went on as normal after that and the conversation they had was brighter and casual. 

They parted ways after that and Thranduil returned home feeling lighter than he had in months. Finding someone who understood, who confirmed he was not alone renewed his energy and when he greeted his parents with a smile they both seemed rather taken aback. 

Neither mentioned the sudden change in their son, in fact, they just seemed relieved. While the conversation was still strained they found him more agreeable for the next few days and the atmosphere in their home, that was once rife with hostility, had calmed to something less uneasy. 

Thranduil wasn’t ready to forgive them, he likely wouldn’t be for a long time, if at all! But there was some peace at least and for him, however short-lived it was, that was enough to tide him over while he thought over his options for the future. 

Truthfully, he knew he could not marry Rose. She deserved someone that would try and drag the stars down from the very skies for her, she did not deserve someone that, at most, would only grow fond of her but never give her the emotional availability that she would need for a healthy relationship.

Just because he would be miserable did not mean Rose needed the same fate. 

The next time he saw Elrond the sun was bright in the sky above them and Rose had suggested tea out in the garden. She was bright and cheerful as usual though distracted by her cousin’s visit and their brand new baby girl, so she often excused herself to coo over the child. 

Elrond and Thranduil shared a look that said ‘ _oh dear._ ’ but said nothing on the matter, instead turning to small talk about the weather and family until everyone was out of earshot. This was when Thranduil took his chance to speak to his friend on what he truly wished to say. 

“I want you to run away with me.” 

It was sudden and, of course, quite out of character for Thranduil to be so very impulsive but it had been all he could think of for days. All he could think of since he had kissed Elrond in the library. 

Poor Elrond nearly dropped his teacup and saucer as he stared wide-eyed at his friend across the table. He didn’t say anything because, well, what could he say to that? 

Scandalous, of course, this handsome blond man trying to seduce his fiancee’s brother and convince him to run away with him, but it was an adventure and who didn’t love the idea of an adventure? 

“You are just trying to make me laugh, aren’t you?” Elrond’s voice was a scared and small thing that barely passed his lips and the sound of it deflated any bravado Thranduil had because he knew this would not end well. 

Resigned to this fact Thranduil shook his head. 

“No, I’ve thought about it for days. Imagine sailing off to a new life somewhere in the world where judging eyes would never come.” The urgency in his voice did not register with Elrond and Thranduil watched as the fear melted away into something akin to disdain. 

“Where exactly do you think we could go in the world. There is no place on this green earth that we truly belong, there is nothing for us here but there is nothing for us out there either. You would give up your family for a man you may not always love?” 

Those words were a searing bolt through his heart- to think Elrond thought so little of him and his feelings! 

Had he offended him by not involving him in the plan? 

No, he did not seem so petty as to think that way, however, he was seemingly cruel and cold for someone so gentle. If it were a means to protect himself Thranduil would understand but the pain would not lessen regardless. 

“Aren’t you tired of hiding?” Thranduil leaned over the table in a bid for Elrond to hear him while keeping his voice low. If it were to escalate into a full-scale argument neither man could confirm their innocence. 

“I am safe the way I am. If I never marry I can accept the rumours but running away with another man not only hurts me but my family and their reputation. You may have no regard for your family name but I love my mother and my sister, I would hate to see them lose everything because of a whim!” Elrond got up and stalked off leaving Thranduil still sat at the white wrought iron table watching his friend storm off back into the house. 

Rose appeared at Thranduil’s side with a look of concern as she too watched her brother walk away. She took the empty seat next to Thranduil leaving her brother’s seat open but she knew he would not be returning. 

“Is everything all right?” When her focus was moved to Thranduil he shifted uncomfortably, not wishing to be pinned with the look of true innocence, something that he had lost a long time ago, or had that been his ignorance of the real world? 

It didn’t bear thinking about, not when he had to admit that Elrond was upset because of his words and actions. His ignorance and lack of innocence were that which pushed his friend away. 

Friend. 

Was that all he was to Thranduil? 

Surely, a friend was all he was to Elrond and now he was scarcely that! 

Rubbing his face he turned to look at Rose and mustered up as much courage as he could to tell her the truth but when he saw her it bled away like ink in the rain. The soft expression on her face was so full of knowing, so world-weary it was hard to imagine this was the same Rose that had sat by him moments ago. 

"You're looking at him as though he broke your heart, Thranduil." 

How hard his heart began to beat in his chest. The smallest inclination that she knew was enough to send his thoughts spinning wildly out of control and when he looked at her he knew there was fear in his expression. 

How would this end?

"I didn't notice at first, you know?" Rose spoke quietly but kept her voice pleasant as she smoothed out the skirt of her dress. Her delicate fingers were seemingly able to clear the creases with ease. "I believed I was a lucky woman to know that my husband-to-be was close to my brother and that there would be no ill will between the both of you." 

With his voice stuck in his throat unable or perhaps even unwilling to speak, Thranduil merely nodded for her to continue which she did upon seeing this. 

“The more time that has passed the more I realise that you looked at him the way you should look at me.” It was blunt and it could have been hurtful should Thranduil have been able to process any feeling other than mind-numbing fear. “The world is a strange place, Thranduil and I know I do not understand it all, but I do know that we should not be together.” Simply put Rose was telling him she understood what was between her brother and him, and that the engagement could not move forward but the anticipation of something more such as a threat hung starkly in Thranduil's mind. 

“You would ask that we call off our engagement?” Surprisingly his voice was even when he spoke but not as strong as he would have liked but what would have been the point of acting with bravado in front of someone who knew him so intimately? 

“Would that not be wise if you wish to pursue my brother?” 

A derisive laugh burst from Thranduil and it hurt his own ears at the sudden sound, unbecoming and impolite but all the same, it fit the moment perfectly. 

“You are right when you say you do not understand the world because if you did you would know that I could never pursue Elrond in the way a man would a woman.” 

“What shall you do now, go on alone?”

“That is all I can do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil returns from his life elsewhere and is so desperate to know how the world he left behind has changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was updated because I wanted to do something for my friend.

The Thought Of Determination 

  
  


Even with the sound of the waves breaking on the bow of the ship and the call of the gulls high above him Thranduil could still recall with perfect clarity the uproar he had created upon his departure from his family home even some 4 years later. 

How the sun was bright above them and the way it stuck in his mind that it would have all been easier if the skies had been grey and rain had poured over them in grey sheets. But it had been hard to feel nothing but the giddy joy of adventure waiting for him on the open seas whilst the sun scorched the earth and birds sang sweetly from the nearby trees. 

His father had threatened so much. To cut him out of the will, to ensure he would never step foot on his land again and that his name would be struck from all records within the family but none of it seemed to matter. 

They were not threats that could sway Thranduil into staying and stifling himself further. The play they had all been actors in was falling apart now, the audience stood with mouths agape as the masks fell from the players revealing something dark and forbidden for all to see. 

The bright and happy home they had worked hard to portray was a sham and Thranduil was the one to tug at loose threads until the whole charade came tumbling down around them. 

There was no pang of guilt even whilst his mother sobbed in his father’s arms begging for him to reconsider. She reached out one delicate hand hoping she would find something within her son that she could still cling to but all they knew of him was gone. 

The captain of the ship had been advised to collect him from his home as soon as they were able and Thranduil was thankful when a carriage awaited him as he flung open the door. Bard had been his accomplice but Thranduil could not ensnare him in all of the dramatics and outright refused to tell his parents he was involved at all. 

For all they knew, the captain of Bard’s ship had conspired against him and stolen their son and a ship all on one sunny morning. What had this villainous captain promised their son to have him so blindly follow him down to the docks and out onto the high seas?!

Freedom. 

That was all he wanted. 

Bard had bargained with him and allowed him safe and free passage to whichever country he wanted to see in the world as long as he followed the captain’s orders and worked as hard as any of the sailors. 

At the time it had been easy to agree, the taste of freedom so close, he had no idea that all his life the flavour of living one's own life was salt and sea air. But the work was hard for him, he lived a life of general leisure before stepping foot on the ship and while he suffered he was never alone in that suffering. 

Sailors may have been hardy and bawdy with curses spilling from their lips as though punctuation but they were also kind. They too had used the sea to escape a life of little worth back on dry land. 

Some knew only too well the trials Thranduil had faced and in those men, he found great comfort as they allowed him to speak freely on his feelings without the worry of judgement. The closeness he felt with those men from sharing his secret was a balm to his aching soul.

Leaving the country without so much as a goodbye to Elrond, he felt like a scoundrel and he knew the sweet man would blame himself for Thranduil’s sudden departure. He could not see him before he left, because in part, Elrond’s dismissal of him and his rejection had stung, it had left a wound far too deep to play off as nothing but a mere slight, and also because Elrond was somewhat to blame but he could never tell him that in person. 

How could he blame him for being angry? 

And now he was returning home a different man, perhaps as someone calmer and more inclined to merely smile at the invasive questions he would undoubtedly be needled with. The high society he had been accustomed to was nothing more than a memory, a story he told his friends while they played cards on the nights the heat was too unbearable to sleep in. The world he had come from did not exist where he had settled and he hoped it never would, and if it should invade the distant shores he truly knew he would have no part in it. 

A reputation built on wealth and a pristine family name meant nothing, and Thranduil had found that living for himself was the only thing he was capable of, though months of guilt had riddled him but eventually even that fell away, sloughed off like the way a snake sheds its skin. 

He was no snake but Thranduil was sure in the eyes of his family he was a cold-blooded reptilian thing. Or perhaps they did not think of him at all. The latter seemed better. 

“We’re a days sailing away from your home port, Thran.” A young sailor came to stand at Thranduil’s side and he leaned against the taffrail too, his gaze focused on the open sea before them. “Are you happy to be heading home?” 

“This place we’re headed to is not my home, Samuel.” Thranduil sighed he managed a weary smile for the lad, this one still had an enthusiasm for life and a zeal that came with youth that Thranduil envied. 

While he was not old by any means, Samuel managed to make him feel ancient with his exuberant demeanour, this one had grown up with far fewer expectations on his shoulders than Thranduil had. 

“Why are you going this way if not to see what was your home?” A valid question, but not one he was willing to answer because how would Samuel understand his hesitation? 

The young lad had a golden heart but his sights were set on women and so he would easily breeze through life, the only thing he had to worry about was spending enough time with his mother once he had shore leave. 

“There are some loose ends I must tie-up, it seems.” It was a lie, of course, curiosity had gotten the better of him after weeks of consideration and he knew he had to return just to see what life was like for everyone now… to see what Elrond was doing. 

To see if he was all right… if he was… safe. 

“Seems whatever you have to do is grim. Why go back to something that you don’t want?” Ah, to be young, naive and as carefree as Samuel and his questions. Of course, it was easy to just never return and act as though that part of his life never existed, and for some people that as well and good. Everyone had a certain to maintain their sanity and keep memories deeply repressed but Thranduil had to face his past. 

Four years was not a long time to be away, but it was long enough for things to change, for the better or for worse. Either way, it didn’t matter because he had no intentions of staying long enough to have it affect him. 

This was more to sate his curiosity, how had the lives of his family progressed without him? Did they have another child? Could they have done that it didn’t seem such a thing was possible now but what did he know? 

While Samuel had wandered off to finish off the odd jobs he had been assigned, Thranduil stayed at his spot leaning against the taffrail watching the unchanging horizon before him. The ship was slow enough that it almost idled on the water as there was not a breath of air in the sails as the sun beat down on the crew. Someone approached him and offered him a drink but Thranduil only waved them away and resumed his watch of the waves.

How many times had he been hypnotised by the gentle rocking of the ship on crystal waters lying in the great coils of rope looking up at a star-studded sky? In those quiet moments, he had grasped a bottle of rum wishing it to be Elrond's hand instead, and how often he had stopped himself from speaking aloud truly believing he was right beside him... his drink addled brain tricking him into thinking that all was right with the world.

Thranduil was already packed and dressed appropriately for shore leave when the ship docked.

The port town hadn't changed all that much and Thranduil was quietly glad for it. with the roads unchanged it was easier to navigate the world he had left behind as though he'd never left. Even if such a thought made him feel uneasy to the point of unwell.

Some old acquaintances stopped in the street and eyed him with confusion as he wandered by unsure if he was who they thought. He did not stop for them and would not even if they called out to him- his goal would not change and no one could keep him from finding Elrond.

Problems arose when he realised that he had no idea where to even start looking. Would he need to start with their family home?

Rose would be the only one happy to see him alive and well, but she would have been married off by now and living with her husband. The downside of vanishing off for 4 years was that those you cared for would move on and had no way of telling where they've gone!

Cursing quietly to himself, Thranduil found his way to a hotel to leave his things, they insisted that such a long trip required a meal and the cook, a motherly sort, browbeat him into a seat by the window. The seat overlooked the busy shopping street and Thranduil watched as men and woman strolled along under the sun idly chatting or laughing.

As he allowed the neverending stream of shoppers to lull him into a comfortable daze his eye was caught by a stunning beauty sea blue pushing a bright white baby carriage down the opposite side of the street- it was Rose! With a yelp of surprise at the sheer luck of it all, Thranduil leapt from his seat and threw himself down the stairs taking the steps three at a time before bursting into the street and causing quite a scene as he frightened some passerby.

Thranduil paid them no mind and hurried across the street falling in step beside Rose as natural as can be.

"Dear, sweet Rosie already had a baby."

Upon hearing his voice Rose looked up sharply, her expression went from indignation to joyous surprise in a matter of seconds as soon as she realised that it had been Thranduil addressing her with such familiarity. Her hands seemed to grip the handles of the baby carriage tighter as they walked, likely in a bid to keep herself from either throttling or throwing her arms around him.

"Come for tea, please, we have much to catch up on." Rose was so insistent as though scared Thranduil might refuse and her having absolutely no idea that she had been the one he was in search of in the first place.

With his refusal out of the window, even if it had never been on his mind to decline, Thranduil followed Rose obediently to a carriage that took them to an impressively opulent stately home just far enough from the town that the sea could not be heard.

Someone was already waiting to take the sleeping baby, but Thranduil had just enough of a chance to see that the little thing looked just like his mother and apparently had the same temperament as she did.

They had talked at length in the carriage of her marriage and Thranduil could see by her light blush that Rose had definitely married for love and was lucky enough that it also included a great wealth, though he knew that the money meant nothing to her.

When Rose led him to the large conservatory for tea Thranduil was thankful what must have felt like oppressive humid heat to Rose, it felt good to be in a climate he was more used to now but he could not ignore the fact that Rose had become sombre as she showed him around pointing out the plants she had had her husband bring back from his travels for her. As much as he wanted to question her change in mood he was all too aware of the reason.

She knew he wanted to speak about Elrond.

Even the warmth of the conservatory could not rid the chill of the dread that crept into his bones. Desperate to know how her brother was and also terribly afraid it left Thranduil scrambling to gather his senses again and for the first time in a very long time he felt out of his depth.

He felt as he had the last time he had seen her.

"I know you wish to hear news of him, Thranduil." Rose was stood at his side now, her delicate hands were plucking dead leaves from the plants before them, her concentration more on the task at hand than the conversation. "You will be pleased to know he is well... and unmarried."

It did not please him at all to know Elrond might be lonely but at least he hadn't been forced into matrimony as he had. Only, Elrond had nothing to hide because he had never been accused of what Thranduil had been. Instead, Elrond was allowed to live as an eccentric but in a purer sense of the word, not like the deviant life, everyone likely assumed Thranduil left for.

In hearing that he was well it made it harder to find the words to ask Rose if he could seem Elrond. Why would he wish to see him?

After 4 years of being apart, they had no relationship in any sense of the word. If he was being completely honest with himself... he and Elrond were strangers.

"You will want to see him too, I suppose?" This time Rose did look up at him and Thranduil was embarrassed that he could not meet her gaze.

"I don't think that would be a good idea, Rosie. Not after this long, not after I left without saying goodbye." Shame flooded his entire being when Rose rested her hand on his arm, the gentle gesture was too much and he pulled away from her and wandered off into the depths of the conservatory to regain his composure.

"You are not the villain of this story, Thranduil," Rose called out after him, the statement caused him to stop in his tracks for a moment but he soon sped off again and hid among the plants he recognised from his travels.

_ If I am not the villain, who is and what am I?  _ The thought snaked around and around in his mind leaving him with knots in his stomach and unease in lungs.  _ I forced my feelings to be known when he could have had a quiet life, a one without any blame in his heart. Soft sweet Elrond waiting for him to come back around only to be greeted with the news that he had left the country on the first ship available. _

There had never been a time until right then that Thranduil considered himself a scoundrel because while he was so sure he adored the ground Elrond walked on, he hadn't stopped to consider that perhaps Elrond did not love him.

Rose found him after a short while and handed him a cup of tea, it was light and fragrant, notes of rose and something sweet he could not yet place but it was a distraction and he thanked her quietly for it. His thanks were waved away and she daintily seated herself on a wrought iron bench painted white across from where he sat on the floor between the large leaves of a palm and hosta.

"I think he would be happy to see you, Thranduil. Not only that but you owe him an apology and an explanation." She seemed put out having to explain this to him and the heat was getting to her he could tell. "It is the very least you could do but I know why you are so hesitant. I know you are afraid to hurt him by leaving again."

There it was, half of the reason why he was sat in her conservatory and not racing to find her brother in the British countryside. How could he live with himself if he showed up out of the blue 4 years later only to vanish once again as though he'd never been there in the first place?

Cowardice played a big role in his desire to return to the ship and pretend he had never stepped foot in England. How easy it had been to feel brave as the waves crashed against the side of the ship while the crew sang heartily and sea birds screamed above in a fiercely blue sky. How easy it was to imagine that he would receive some sort of hero’s welcome from a town that likely breathed a sigh of relief when he had left for good.

It was easy to feel untouchable and invincible when those that had you feel vulnerable could not see you.

"I truly wish I could agree with you, but he would never be happy to see me."

"Oh, would you stop feeling so sorry for yourself and go see him?" Rose scolded as he got up from her seat, she threatened too to drag him by his ear to her mother's door if it meant he could see her brother even for a moment. "You're going to see him and that is final because I shall lend you a horse and you can ride over. I'm sure the staff will be thankful to serve someone tea other than him for once." The joke did not go unnoticed and Thranduil offered a lop-sided grin at her tenacious attitude.

Rose had grown into a lively woman and it suited her perfectly.

"I suppose you're right. The least I can do is visit if only to be a fresh face to cross the threshold."

"Heavens, Thranduil, you are truly such hard work!"

That was how he found himself stood at the door of the Peredhel residence, a stablehand having taken the horse from him already and leaving him with little to no time to work out exactly what it was he wanted to say upon seeing the man he loved for the first time in years.

He declined to give his name and instead instructed the maid to merely announce that an old friend had come to visit. Oh, it was cruel and he knew that, but pride would not have him give his name only to be turned away because of it.

Every single fibre of his being was simultaneously on fire and chilled liked ice. His skin prickled as he heard footsteps on the hardwood floor and time felt as though it had stopped as Elrond came into view almost unchanged in how Thranduil remembered him.

The man stopped almost abruptly at the sight of Thranduil though he wore no expression as to give away how he felt upon seeing him so suddenly.

While he remained, in appearance, as he had the last time they'd met, something about the air of him was different but there was no way Thranduil could place what it was until they spoke...  _ if  _ they spoke. It was all down to the very moment they were in right then and there.

Elrond broke the silence.

"For the longest time, I would wish so ardently that a stranger would come to my door and reveal himself to be you..." Elrond began to close the distance between them, and to Thranduil's utter surprise he was wrapped in a tight embrace. It took him a short moment to work out that he was certainly allowed to return said embrace and when he did, Elrond tightened his and spoke directly into his ear.

"I feared you dead for so long, feared you hurt or lost. My mind would not allow me peace for months wondering how you faired out in the world." Eventually, he was released, much too soon in his opinion, but the had to admit the reception was not what he had expected and he gifted himself the opportunity to relax.

"Come, come sit in the library and tell me where you have been all these years."

How had it been this easy?

Was he going to enter the library and suddenly wake to find himself still on the ship and the scenes played out was just a dream?

Would he find Elrond living as though they'd never known anything of each other aside from friendship?

But he did not speak, could not speak, and instead mutely he followed Elrond to the library and took the offered seat.

"You expected me to turn you away. I know that look, you wear your heart on display for all. You were never very secretive and I loved that about you, as dangerous as it was for you to be such a way." Elrond spoke so plainly and so brightly of the past as though it didn't contain a second of heartache. 

It infuriated and bewildered Thranduil and still, words would not come, his tongue and lips conspired against him while his heart thundered in his chest and his mind whirred like cogs in a clock. 

"I'm so glad you're here... but tell me, Thranduil. Do you merely visit or have you come home?" The gentle hope that lit up Elrond's eyes broke his heart and his fear of hurting him again rose up like bile in his throat.

"I have no home here." How those words slipped from his lips without hesitation!

Instant regret shuddered through him and he leapt to his feet and began to pace trying to find a way to piece together his fractured thoughts into something coherent something that could soothe a soul.

“You have a home here with me!” 

“That’s just it, Elrond. I do not and as much as it is what heart desires, to live with you in a way a married couple would… we just can’t do that.” It seemed that after 4 years the tables had turned.

While he had come to understand that the world would never accept them, Elrond had cast aside those cares and would willingly and blatantly flaunt his disregard for the sensibilities of others. 

The world was turned on its head!

“Please, listen to me Thranduil.” Elrond now moved from his seat and stepped around the end table to stand in front of Thranduil. He took his hands in his and gave him the warmest smile Thranduil had ever seen, a smile that rivalled the warmth of the sun he knew that much. 

“It took having you vanish completely from my life to realise that caring what others think is a waste of time. When word got out as to why you left Rose and I defended you, as did Mr Bowman. The townsfolk and the even those in the countryside cared not about where your heart lay.

As long as we remained good and gentle men they saw no reason for any sort of hatred. Thranduil, the world is changing and I don’t want to have to run to catch up with it. I want us to already be at the forefront of that change. 

I want you to stay here with me. I want you to stay because I love you.” 

It was a dream, he had been cast overboard in a storm and this was his dying wish playing out as he lost consciousness it had to be!

There was no possible way he had just witnessed Elrond telling him he loved him.

This was a fever dream or rum addling his mind again…

“Thranduil, please say something.” Elrond looked concerned now and his grip on Thranduil’s hands tightened as though trying to pull him out of his own mind. “Have we waited too long for this?”

No, no! 

His heart still belonged to Elrond, it always would. 

_ Damn it all! I’ve lost my tongue at a time like this!  _

There was only one way to prove to his love that he wasn’t going anywhere and in a split second he leaned in a pressed a soft yet insistent kiss to Elrond’s lips. 

When they parted he found his heart had stilled, somewhat, and his mind was calm like the ocean after a storm. 

“They’ll be running to catch up with us. Let’s go change the world before someone else does.” 

And so, Thranduil stayed.

They lived in their home nestled in the countryside and spent the rest of their days side by side never once faltering in their love for one another. 


End file.
